jesse

hiber-nation

Sun, 28 Dec 2003 09:17:03 GMT

three nights in a row at the black cat
no identification
(lost DL and passport)
so hands x-ed, wash it off, drink anyway

my friend ben's friend kirsten
second night in a row i have seen here
don't want to hook up with her (okay maybe I want just want to bury my head in her chest and spoon and sniff and such)
but mostly i feel bad that she's got all these dumblooking guys talking to her and she's so nice she talks to them

second journal I've received as christmas present tonight
(people must think I'm both deep and vague, why else)
i do have a lot to write about (daydreamt a two act musical yesterday)
but why am I gonna use a fuckin pencil, when everyone knows I have a Tibook?

the key is semiawake hibernation (no ID needed, dream-soft-sex:fuzzy bundling, words write themselves in dialogue between perfect characters)

I want more hibernation...but it would be fab to wake and have the partner be real and the play written out

ready to rock

Wed, 19 Nov 2003 22:27:01 GMT

music is something good to do..
it is nice to hang out in a bar and hear songs
and talk a little bit
but to pay attention to the lyrics
oh ye mystical transmission
and to just be that person singing is easy
its just your turn
go ahead ... take it

possible solution to roommate juggle

Sat, 15 Nov 2003 17:57:22 GMT

ah livejournal is so funny... this is actually the best way to do this although this is technically not a journal entry...

Ok.... here's what I'm thinking for this December when icrimpedmyhair moves out.

moonlighttea takes icrimpedmyhair's room
phonetap takes moonlighttea's room (rockin! I'd love to be next to the practice room)
mooncurve takes phonetap's room.

what do you ladies think?

it's so weird being in band when you think about it

Wed, 12 Nov 2003 18:48:23 GMT

I've been thinking about this lately and I don't know why but I've been playing music for 10 years in clubs and I'm still trying to figure out what makes a band successful... This is kind of related to icrimpedmyhair's post about seeing lame bands..

Why do people go to see a band? are they looking up to you? are people looking down on you? when you are up there, do people really want to fuck you? or just stare at you? or fuck someone else in the audience cause you and your songs got them both in the mood and the bar got them drunk? is a band better if the singer tells funny jokes or bad jokes? or if the singer is a brooder who keeps his/her back to the audience?

do people actually want to dance? or do you, by playing live dance music, make people uncomfortable who would rather stand there with their arms crossed(total dc question)? why are singers who sing/write monotonous, nonmelodic plaintive music so big on the indierock scene? is it just cause they have their shit together and they are good at making friends?

do people want good music to sit and watch or good music to talk over?

I may be strange but the only show I actually want to see is Rufus Wainwright at Lisner next Thursday. I know exactly what's gonna happen... people will sit there and watch him and that's kind of odd classical behavior but I think it's really cool and his music is worth it..like he sings

"electroclash is karaoke too"
"I tried to dance Britney Spears, I must be getting on in years"
it so sad 'cause the chorus of that song is
"my phone's on vibrate for you"
its like he's trying to be like people are nowadays but he's stuck in a sentimental time and he feels old.

here's to the death of materialism and the rebirth of bohemianism!
(raising glass of absinthe)

jean paul sartre

Wed, 12 Nov 2003 18:29:19 GMT

today I actually wished I'd spent the time reading what was brought up in Existentialism class today. I want to share it with y'all cause its kind of interesting.

bad-faith and self-deception
in Being and Nothingness, JP Sartre gives three possible character examples of how people commit acts of bad faith and deceive themselves by not appropriately reconciling their essence(their past, where they live) with their existence(their present ability to choose, their consciousness and selfconsciousness).

1. A Waiter
this guy thinks to himself.

"I am a waiter"
"I'm gonna do everything the way a waiter would"
"If I don't wake up on time they're gonna fire me"
in doing so he is defining himself by his essence and denying his consciousness. He has a choice to whatever he wants but he fails to see it and lives by the determination of others. He is trapped by fear.

2. A Young Girl on a date
she says to herself

"He is kissing my hand but I'm going to talk about lofty ideals like what I want to do with my life and ignore these physical sensations. This is not my hand."
"I want him to like me for my body (my essence) and my mind (my consciousness) but these are two separate things"

By creating this rift within herself she will never be satisfied by any person no matter how brilliant a conversationalist and how good a lover he/she is (my point, she probably will never orgasm). But most of all she will never understand herself and her apparently conflicting urges.

3. The Closeted Homosexual
he says to himself

"I may have had sex with men but I'm not a homosexual. They were all isolated incidents and I'm not doing it anymore."
"Everyonce in a while I end up in bed with a transvestite prostitute but that doesn't make me a homosexual"

This guy is clearly denying his essence because he is blatantly ignoring his past.. While it is true that he might not be "gay," as in part of the gay community of Paris, he is engaging in self deception to say that having sex with men isn't part of his identity.

All these examples raise interesting questions about truth and self-knowledge. How we can know something about ourselves and yet not admit it to ourselves at the same time. Strange complex phenomenon of human experience!

happiness is now

Mon, 10 Nov 2003 05:11:54 GMT

ok.. Iied I do go to bars...
but not so much lately..
I'm broke
but I wish i didn't have to go to bars at all..

sometimes I'm not so into living downtown
and wish I was somewhere like Concord New Hampshire
where people just go to each others houses and the bars are cheap
but what I really like is snow..
cause it just mess everything up

I'm not going to school much lately either.
don't feel like I have to..
just want to sit up here in my little attic room and read all the books anyways
and write all the papers
and email all the grad students
and do other things like compose electronica
and play acoustic guitar
and make queer little keyboard sounds

why is there all this bustle?
need to calm down and do some yogic sitting and breathing

don't worry about being a flake, mooncurve
and bestiame... you can still pass yer classes. I believe in you

Mon, 10 Nov 2003 05:03:04 GMT

25 years old.
for the past two days...
getting used to it
so tired... I play in 3 bands and I'm writing a musical...
I go to school full time and have a part time job...
I don't have a girlfriend and I don't go to bars...
pretty happy... busy but happy...
please.. christmas... come...

hey moo, you was on IM tonight, I wanted to say hi, missed my chance, figured I'd do this....

Mon, 20 Oct 2003 06:26:42 GMT

and you might see it....hope you doing alright.. read your sections about the therapy etc.... its tough to be in school.. I'm staying up tonight and writing a philosophical paper on "how I know that I exist." it's clear to me that I do but why? to do what? and how? music is good.. its pretty self-evident...

otherwise... for you moo any errybody else..
procrastination... yes, yes.. if it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. gonna stay up all night but at least it will get in on time.. yep, that's right not gonna let myself get behind.. too many other things to do tomorrow and the next day.. just gotta get this paper over with, get this semester over with, get college over with. next summer, I'm gonna travel around the us, with my piano and a microphone and a laptop in a van, playing coffee shops the night of with my little flyer where I'll fill in the location and post it in each little town I visit.

pri and I had a conversation about what we're trying to do with music and ivan and I had a conversation about what I was trying to communicate. I don't know. i just want to travel and not be an american tourist but give something simple and undeniable back to everyone I meet. why do I feel so tired if I'm so young? its my mind and lack of wisdom and insight holding me back.. just don't know what to do. fun, diversion? irrelevant? can't be serious. can't be that hard. why? I have the feeling like I'm on my death bed at age 85 and looking back saying:

"Why didn't I ____ when I had the chance. it would have been so easy."

want to go back to europe and just chill in amsterdam, not drive around not try to get anything from anybody. approach it gently. approach everywhere gently.

Tue, 30 Sep 2003 17:59:42 GMT

okay.. had to have a conversation with a fellow student who asked what this was. I told him about how if you write a journal it can make your life more interesting...
ah.. I just thought of some a new way to use this.. potential song titles, themes and styles. Today I want to write a song called "Alejandra!" cause I find myself saying that as I stroll around campus and see mysterious women.

OK.. so on with the dialogue.

Jesse: You guys know Smoke Gets In Your Eyes?
Allen: Naw man, we don't know that one..
Sax Player: Aw yeah doesn't it go like, (plays sax)na nanana na na?
Allen: But I don't know it
Jesse: Well, uhh, what about Corcovado
Allen: He means "Quiet Nights," yeah uhh, what key?
Jesse: I don't know, uhh, your standard key...
Allen: There is no standard key, what about Dmin?
Jesse: Yeah, that sounds good...

intro starts, i go into the song.... immediately I notice that its really high for me (gotta use mostly head voice, which elicits laughter from the crowd cause I'm really tall and hairy). I get to "I, who was lost and lonely" and I crack terribly which cracks Allen up and I say into the mike "Maybe we should have done it in C" which cracks the audience up. I know I'm getting schooled at this point, which I was trying to avoid, but it was really inevitable. I mean, who was I thinking I could walk into a jazz club after 4 years of dissing that masculine immersion yet thinking that I could thrive in it?

Anyway, at this point we're at the end of the first chorus and I'm hoping that Allen will take over, play a flashy solo and allow me to collect my thoughts and just be a listener for a while. But no, he tells me to take another chorus, so what do I do? I sing the Portuguese lyrics

Jesse: Um cantinho, um violao
Allen: woo...
Jesse: este amor, uma cancao
pra fazer feliz a quem se ama
muita calma pra pensar va conte(at this point, I start forgetting the lyrics, Allen notices and gives me this look like "Man, you ain't speakin' portuguese!", so I start scatting(do be bang be zoo wha)) I get the lyrics back but by this point I'm flustered, shaken but also careless enough to just fly free with the lyrics which are no coming back to me. I finish out that chorus soulfully flinging myself around the stage and almost violently punctuating my right to be up there through mellismatic improvisation. I get my confidence back to a plateau just before I finish the chorus and sit down for the instrumental solos.

first tenor sax solo: I think what this guys was trying to show me is how bored he was by my choice of song and proceeded to give a boring and tired rendition of the melody, literally in my face(I was sitting in front of the stage).

second tenor sax solo: as soon as I got of stage this guy said: "You've got a voice like Michael Franti?" Not really knowing what Michael Franti sounds like, I thanked him. In his solo, he put all the 105.9 smoothness he had in his entire sensual physical body, with that soft, all-night-long, rub-you-down-in-hot-oils flava the 40 somethin ladies can't get enough of.

I gotta go to class, more to come...

jazz jam session

Tue, 30 Sep 2003 17:29:09 GMT

on sunday night, I went out to a jazz jam session at the twins on u street. for a ten dollar minimum, you can sing a couple songs with some highly skilled jazz musicians who know supposedly know tons of songs. I just wanted to sing one song "Smoke gets in Your Eyes" because I had been listening to an interpretation of it by Kurt Elling and wanted to pretty much ape him and add something to it. Innocent fun... I'm still just a student of jazz voice and many people say the best way to learn is just by aping your heroes...
So, after putting my name on the list, I get called up to the bandstand(by Allen, the piano player and a real nice cat) and the dialogue went like this...
more to follow later...

at hand

Thu, 25 Sep 2003 19:41:02 GMT

ok.. another entry within two hours of the last one. yeaaaah I should probably warm up slowly to this but I happen to have a lot to say and a few hours until I dig in to some bombtastic burmese eats.. Why am I using livejournal? Well, bestiame hooked me up with this and I think its a lot better use of time than friendster and its probably gonna remain free because all of the server-intense craziness of friendster seems to be thankfully absent from this remarkably clean protocol. I think this is the perfect time for me to be getting into this.. I have no significant other to offend or censor what I say(why would I do that anyway? I don't know but it came into my mind... I should explore that) and I'm reflecting upon a lot of history. In November, I'm turning 25 and although I've done a lot of cool things since high school, I'm nowhere near where I want to be and I find myself mentally trying to force myself to focus when I walk down the street and have a free second for self-consciousness to stop and think about what it is that I should be spending my time trying to achieve. I feel like going free form right now so I'll just set the stage with a short list of what's on my mind.

I'm at this place where I feel like doing nothing but playing pool and N64 1st person shooters and drinking all the time but I know there is something more.. I see all these Adams Morgan yuppies just get bigger and bigger toys and I think: what are they doing besides gentrifying where they live? Am I just another gentrifier or why is it that I really want to live in DC? Well, it's clear that I think NY is kind of overpriced and overworn but considering I want to be working more as a musician, shouldn't I go there anyway? What is it about DC that I find charming enough to have return twice after being in Boston and San Diego? Why is it that I can't talk to the women at the bars here and everything feels like an extension of high school or college that I don't want to mess up? Should I just give in to my limitations and admit that I can't get anything done here? Or should I realize that people are the same the world round and I should just transcend the past shyness that I become so acutely aware of whenever I'm around old friends. I'll give you an example of the kind of things I deal with in this town.

I recently got over these crushes on a couple girls from high school who were a grade ahead of me. The first one is like totally nice to me and invites me to hang out with her and her family at Christmas and we always have a good time but I get totally nervous and start acting like an idiot. I think we're OK now cause I wrote a song about it and told her and we're keeping in touch as friends but I had to work through it, so I guess it resolved itself but it took so long and it caused me so much grief. The second one I didn't know as well and just started hanging out with her this summer at the house of some mutual friends of ours. It became apparent that I got all jittery around her but in the end there was no chemistry. I think she's really cool and I think she thinks the same of me but there wasn't a easy way for us to relate and I kind of wish that I had started conversing with people I have crushes on a lot earlier in my life so I could realize that its no big deal and that most of the time there isn't any real chemistry anyways. I wish I knew what chemistry was. I had to figure all this out this past year and I feel like I'm 20 and not 24. On the other hand, I think some people never figure this out and end up marrying people based on their first impressions of them. Like they are so good at pickup lines and talking etc. that they just end up with someone or they feel like they have guaranteed chemistry with a lot of people or a type. So I'm glad that I'm not that good of a talker and that in a way my lack of confidence has fostered a sensitivity and earnestness. I'm trying to show that to people and draw my friends closer at this point because its become evident that alot of them don't see that and think of me as kind of distant, scatterbrained and selfish at my worst. It all takes practice.

I guess if I need to work on that. Showing people that I care. Remembering birthdays, giving books and having parties. Also, I need to shave and get some new clothes cause I'm getting kinda tired of my slack wardrobe.. Ah yes... to smoke or not to smoke? and ...yes major mental note of the summer: cooking and gardening are essential to happiness. its just that simple.. I can't want for spring.. maybe I'll plant some winter bulbs. I need to be more active politically.. I want to learn more about the ACLU,the AFL/CIO and other organizations that most Americans don't know about but are essential to progress and freedom. What's the real story behind this war? Someone send me a webpage about what has actually happened not the spun around accounts in the major papers. I want a job in the movement.

What kind of job can I get that let's me travel around and write songs? I think what I'm going to do (after I finish my degree this spring) is go on a summer tour in a cheap car with nothing but a piano, a microphone, laptop and some speakers.

here at school

Thu, 25 Sep 2003 17:22:38 GMT

ok.. so here I am about to take a logic test in "operators." Why can't I go to school online? It would be so much more "logical" for all the classes I'm taking now: just read, write papers, take tests. The great thing about these subjects is that they are so abstract. I just get confused when I have to introduce myself to all the people around the department and act friendly. My roommate Malcolm asked me last night whether or not I like people, cause I told him I wanted to be a bartender (we were sitting at a bar where he works). It kind of took me aback because I had to question whether or not I like people. Of course I like people but they are a lot of work. I should get used to it though cause what am I gonna do with a philopsophy degree anyways? That's right: be a bartender

this is just to fill the space and see how this jonx works

Wed, 24 Sep 2003 19:15:16 GMT

this is just to fill the space and see how this jonx works
this is just to fill the space and see how this jonx worksthis is just to fill the space and see how this jonx worksthis is just to fill the space and see how this jonx worksthis is just to fill the space and see how this jonx worksthis is just to fill the space and see how this jonx worksthis is just to fill the space and see how this jonx worksthis is just to fill the space and see how this jonx worksthis is just to fill the space and see how this jonx works